sing like you think no one's listening

I look upon myself in a mirror and I am so unsure of what I see anymore. I am slipping farther and farther away and I dont know how to get back up again... I have lost all sense of who I used to be and what it means to be happy or myself anymore... I dont know why this keeps happening to me but I wish that everything would just go away.... I hate being here and I hate this constant stabbing pain that seems to overwhelm me everyday until I just break down and cry...

where is the light at the end of the tunnel.... where is the happiness after the sorrow... where is the happy ending that everyone else seems to have but seems to just skip by me...

where is everything, everyone, anything...

understand

you can not understand,
for you know not the saddness that I know overwhelming my heart.
you know not the tears that streak my cheeks
you know not the hurt that I know nor the lonliness nor the sadness
you know none of these things and how they make me feel,
you know not
you do not understand...

feelings lately....

"In life, it is far worse to regret the things you didn't do in comparison to the things you have done..."

this quote is especially important to me more so nowadays then it has been in a while. I am going through some changes in life and am unsure of who I am or what I am supposed to do anymore.

I am in the process of getting over Jason and I don't know if I still feel for him the same way that I used to. I look at him and how happy he is with Kat and I look at how happy Natalie and Jeff are and how happy Damian and Catie are and wonder where my happiness is...

And then I look at myself and wonder where my happy is?? and then I think if I find it will I be too afraid to let it in when it does find me? Will I be able to like someone again....

I felt this feeling before but I don't know why it feels different this time compared to all the other times in my life when I have felt this way... maybe I need a vacation or to just not be around people for a while... maybe I need a home. somewhere where I am surrounded by people who love and care about me and where I know that things won't change as much as they do in the real world... I need something stable and sturdy in my life that won't change as fast as everything else is changing...

I need to not be afraid of letting people like me and learn to like them back I guess... I don't even know what I want in a person anymore it seems... I can talk about it and think about it but then when someone comes along I get scared and freeze up and all these what if's go rushing through my head...

I like where I am at in life... I am afraid of it changing because that means it will never be the same as it is now and that scares me...

I guess I am afraid of myself and afraid of liking someone too much again for fear of getting hurt all over again...

and that is not something that can just be fixed.... that needs time and trust and friendship...

"please tell me that everything is alright" and I will fall asleep at night knowing that when I wake up in the morning nothing will have changed. you will always be there and everything will always be the same... no matter what