monday morning

I am unsure if what happened in my brain last night is okay or not... I get upset when you dont respond or when texts arent as cute as they used to be... what is wrong with me? I am falling apart at the seams or am I just expecting too much?

I wonder if I will ever be able to just let go and be happy again without my past creeping up to scare me... I hate what happened in my past and I feel like trying to fix it will only make it worse... I feel like I am sinking again and I dont know how to stop...

someone please rescue me quickly... I dont know how much longer I can hold on before I let go...

unsure

I dont know why I keep feeling like this... this pit at the bottom of my stomach just waiting for something bad to happen to take everything that I have that is happy and make it miserable again.... to send me deep into the abyss of my inner self... that place that I am so scared to go back to... that place that both of you sent me to.

I dont know why I cant let go, why the past keeps creeping up on me again and again... why cant I just be happy with what I have and not dwell on what I dont have or what I lost...

Can I ever be repaired or will I always be this damaged... will you be the one to put my broken pieces back together...

Different

sometimes I wish that things could be different. that getting hurt didnt wound me as much as it did. that getting hurt over and over didnt leave me so afraid to just let go and fall again....

I wish that things could be different but in the end they arent. I can wish as hard as I want to but none of it will ever change. Things happen for a reason and sometimes without your consent or control.

some things fall apart so that better things can fall together and the best things never end. they are always there inside your heart.

I will always remember my first love and how that made me feel. The first touch of lips against mine and the first time I saw his face. The first night we spent together and how much it meant to know that someone just generally cared.

You came into my life at my most lost and unsure time and helped me figure out who I was and at the same time who I wasnt. I will always love you no matter where I go and who I meet, you will always be a part of me.

my second love showed me that just because one person hurts you that all the rest will. I know that you hurt me just as much as he did and that you don't even know that you did but I still care about you and just want you to be happy.

I hope that someday it will be my turn to be happy and to feel love again... just someone prove to me that you're not all the same. that some good does exist in the shit hole that is our world...

sing like you think no one's listening

I look upon myself in a mirror and I am so unsure of what I see anymore. I am slipping farther and farther away and I dont know how to get back up again... I have lost all sense of who I used to be and what it means to be happy or myself anymore... I dont know why this keeps happening to me but I wish that everything would just go away.... I hate being here and I hate this constant stabbing pain that seems to overwhelm me everyday until I just break down and cry...

where is the light at the end of the tunnel.... where is the happiness after the sorrow... where is the happy ending that everyone else seems to have but seems to just skip by me...

where is everything, everyone, anything...

understand

you can not understand,
for you know not the saddness that I know overwhelming my heart.
you know not the tears that streak my cheeks
you know not the hurt that I know nor the lonliness nor the sadness
you know none of these things and how they make me feel,
you know not
you do not understand...

feelings lately....

"In life, it is far worse to regret the things you didn't do in comparison to the things you have done..."

this quote is especially important to me more so nowadays then it has been in a while. I am going through some changes in life and am unsure of who I am or what I am supposed to do anymore.

I am in the process of getting over Jason and I don't know if I still feel for him the same way that I used to. I look at him and how happy he is with Kat and I look at how happy Natalie and Jeff are and how happy Damian and Catie are and wonder where my happiness is...

And then I look at myself and wonder where my happy is?? and then I think if I find it will I be too afraid to let it in when it does find me? Will I be able to like someone again....

I felt this feeling before but I don't know why it feels different this time compared to all the other times in my life when I have felt this way... maybe I need a vacation or to just not be around people for a while... maybe I need a home. somewhere where I am surrounded by people who love and care about me and where I know that things won't change as much as they do in the real world... I need something stable and sturdy in my life that won't change as fast as everything else is changing...

I need to not be afraid of letting people like me and learn to like them back I guess... I don't even know what I want in a person anymore it seems... I can talk about it and think about it but then when someone comes along I get scared and freeze up and all these what if's go rushing through my head...

I like where I am at in life... I am afraid of it changing because that means it will never be the same as it is now and that scares me...

I guess I am afraid of myself and afraid of liking someone too much again for fear of getting hurt all over again...

and that is not something that can just be fixed.... that needs time and trust and friendship...

"please tell me that everything is alright" and I will fall asleep at night knowing that when I wake up in the morning nothing will have changed. you will always be there and everything will always be the same... no matter what

the truth

the truth is no matter how much you say it doesn't hurt
it always does

no matter how much you pretend to smile and be okay with it
it slowly tears you up inside

in the end things always hurt and the feelings never go away

you just have to learn to let them go and move on with your life
because you miss so many wonderful things when your sad
you miss out on life

randomness from my computer

Every time I look into your eyes
I fall for you all over again
Your smile lights my darkest of days
And makes the sun shine bright again

We have been through so much
And many hard times may be ahead
I know that I always want you by my side
And wouldn’t have it any other way

I am thankful everyday
For the day you were brought into my life
Through anger, tears and upset times
You have remained by my side no matter what

You are an amazing boyfriend in every way
And a best friend that I am so glad that I found
You know me better than I know myself sometimes
And I wouldn’t have that any other way

I love you more than you can ever imagine
And will love you no matter what ever happens in life
I always want you by my side through everything that happens
And know that I found someone amazingly special
The day that I found you

its true what they say...

that with time all wounds heal even if we think they wont it will happen. I have been through my ups and downs of life and of my break up the past couple weeks and it took many tears, sleepless nights and actually talking to someone about all of it to realize the most important thing... life goes on. No matter how much we try and convince ourselves that we won't be able to survive or function the same were wrong. Yes you have been changed and no you won't be exactly the same as you were back then again, you also won't be the exact same as you were yesterday.

I am learning to be happy as me again and to accept that it is over. Take nothing for granted in life if a friendship blossoms out of a breakup take it and be happy that you still have that connection with that special someone. No it may not be the same connection that you two had but he is someone who knows you more than any other person and that will always be something special that you and him share.

You will never look at anyone else the same way that you look at him or hug or kiss anyone the same way. Everything you two shared was uniquely yours and no one will ever be able to change that.

So remember... life has ups and downs and yes sometimes it does suck but the world doesn't stop for you to grieve it keeps on turning and keeps going... just as you should do

things will never be the same.....

Numbness comes to me while I lay awake at night
Thoughts of you slowly leak into my mind and I slowly fall to pieces
From the inside out this has been tearing me apart
I don't know how I will ever be able to mend my broken heart
I thought that you were the one for me
But I realize now that was just what I wanted to see

I am on my own now and I thought I was just fine
Then why can't I get you off my mind
I want you to be so so happy can't you see...
I only hope you want the same for me

I want to feel happy again like nothing is wrong
I want to dance and sing all those old school songs
How I wish I could remember how to me me
The me that I miss so much
The me that I used to be

I know that time heals all wounds
And that eventually I will be fine
But why can't I shake these feelings or get it off my mind

There is no going back
No second chance to give
You made your choice
And so did I

You live by the choices that you make
They define your life and make you who you are meant to be
So let it go
Fly away
Stop holding on to the past
There is a reason why you didn't make it to the present
And still a reason why your always in my heart....

another day gone...

I stay up late at night not to have time to think
But to become so exhausted and numb that thinking becomes impossible
All the thoughts I am afraid to think drift away in the exhaustion
I become completely numb and void
A shell of my former self
Able to forget about everything and just bleed a little more slowly

No thoughts of what had happened between us
No thoughts of what I lost
No remembrance of what we did or the joy that I felt
All emotion drained away for numbness to take it's place

Numb to seeing your face again or seeing those deep brown eyes
Numb to every touch you give me
Numb to every thought I have ever known

The night fades to dawn and as the sun rises higher into the sky
I look towards the horizon and let go of myself and I
Give up everything you loved about me
Everything that made you smile
Destroy the you that you loved
Destroy the girl I used to be

No more will she dawn the horizon of days to come
That girl is gone forever
You drove her away for good

The girl with the deep blue eyes
And the warm glowing smile that lights her face
Who loves life and just wants to be happy again
Where did she go and when will she return
No one knows and does anyone even care...

I stay up late at night letting myself go
Letting the emotions drain out of me and numbness take their place
Because maybe if I let myself slip far enough away the pain will slip away with it
And maybe just maybe then you will realize the mistake that you made...

me being me

I am slowly getting over my breakup with my boyfriend and I have found that writing when I am upset makes me feel a lot better and gets my mind off of it. So here is another thing that I wrote a couple days ago...

I know that I can be happy on my own
But why then do I feel like this...
Empty and forgotten
I feel completely worthless
I know things will never be the same
Then why do I want to go back to how they used to be

I need closure
I need some way to see
That I still mean to you as much as you still mean to me

Your smile still lights my darkest days
And your warm embrace chases all the bad things away

I know things will never be as they used to be
I guess I have to get over it
I know I made the right decision and made it right
Then why does it keep me up at night like this

Maybe I just need time to be me and get back on my feet again
Because I always know you will mean more to me than anyone else I know
And I know your not going anywhere
No matter how far away I decide to go...

Done....

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend and the day that I did it I ended up writing this piece and looking it over and realized that although my decision hurt more than anything in the world it was the right one....

I am done,
Done pretending nothings wrong
Done pretending to be happy with this,
Done smiling when I see you just to pretend to be happy

Done waiting for you to decide
Done missing what we had
Done hurting over this

I never thought you would do this to me
Never could imagine this happening again
I thought I made you happy enough to stay
But I guess I was wrong as always

I am done waiting for you to decide
Done pretending that what we have is worth it
Done hoping you'll change your mind
I am just done

This is your last chance your throwing it away
Once you break my heart again you won't get another chance
I thought you were worth it but I guess I was wrong

The pain is too much for me to handle anymore
And your too busy to see
What everything you have said and done
Has done to injure me

I guess this is my last farewell
Cause I am leaving
Turning around
And never looking back again....

its been a long time coming...

I never thought I would ever find someone who I wanted in my life so badly, so truly and so fully. I was never the popular or cool girl in high school and would have much rather spent time with my friends acting like idiots then having a boyfriend. Sure I had the occasional crush or something but was always too afraid to do anything about it or would find out that they already had someone. Then I met him and everything changed. I had finally met someone who liked me as much as I liked him. It made me feel so special and so perfect for once in the 20 years of my life. I never thought when I first met him that any of what has happened between us would have happened... but it did, and I don't regret any of it. I thought that things were fine and yes we had our on again off again relationship but this time I thought it was different, I see something in him that I have never seen in any boy before. I know that I want him in my life no matter what happens between us and I know that he will always love me no matter what happens. Why do I feel like this then, I trust him but why I do I feel like everything he has ever said to me is a lie.... I know how much he cares but why can't I see it? I want to wait for him to make his decision but I don't want to wait to have my heart broken again... I know that I can't go through that with him... I want him to be happy but I want to be with him... I guess you could say I have a lot on my mind and a lot to work through... I just don't know what to do anymore and am running out of ideas and steam...

I don't want to be here anymore... I guess I just want to be gone far away where I can't get hurt where no one can see me cry where I can't see him happy with someone else and where I can sit and let my pain take over once again.....