I never thought I would ever find someone who I wanted in my life so badly, so truly and so fully. I was never the popular or cool girl in high school and would have much rather spent time with my friends acting like idiots then having a boyfriend. Sure I had the occasional crush or something but was always too afraid to do anything about it or would find out that they already had someone. Then I met him and everything changed. I had finally met someone who liked me as much as I liked him. It made me feel so special and so perfect for once in the 20 years of my life. I never thought when I first met him that any of what has happened between us would have happened... but it did, and I don't regret any of it. I thought that things were fine and yes we had our on again off again relationship but this time I thought it was different, I see something in him that I have never seen in any boy before. I know that I want him in my life no matter what happens between us and I know that he will always love me no matter what happens. Why do I feel like this then, I trust him but why I do I feel like everything he has ever said to me is a lie.... I know how much he cares but why can't I see it? I want to wait for him to make his decision but I don't want to wait to have my heart broken again... I know that I can't go through that with him... I want him to be happy but I want to be with him... I guess you could say I have a lot on my mind and a lot to work through... I just don't know what to do anymore and am running out of ideas and steam...
I don't want to be here anymore... I guess I just want to be gone far away where I can't get hurt where no one can see me cry where I can't see him happy with someone else and where I can sit and let my pain take over once again.....
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