its true what they say...

that with time all wounds heal even if we think they wont it will happen. I have been through my ups and downs of life and of my break up the past couple weeks and it took many tears, sleepless nights and actually talking to someone about all of it to realize the most important thing... life goes on. No matter how much we try and convince ourselves that we won't be able to survive or function the same were wrong. Yes you have been changed and no you won't be exactly the same as you were back then again, you also won't be the exact same as you were yesterday.

I am learning to be happy as me again and to accept that it is over. Take nothing for granted in life if a friendship blossoms out of a breakup take it and be happy that you still have that connection with that special someone. No it may not be the same connection that you two had but he is someone who knows you more than any other person and that will always be something special that you and him share.

You will never look at anyone else the same way that you look at him or hug or kiss anyone the same way. Everything you two shared was uniquely yours and no one will ever be able to change that.

So remember... life has ups and downs and yes sometimes it does suck but the world doesn't stop for you to grieve it keeps on turning and keeps going... just as you should do

things will never be the same.....

Numbness comes to me while I lay awake at night
Thoughts of you slowly leak into my mind and I slowly fall to pieces
From the inside out this has been tearing me apart
I don't know how I will ever be able to mend my broken heart
I thought that you were the one for me
But I realize now that was just what I wanted to see

I am on my own now and I thought I was just fine
Then why can't I get you off my mind
I want you to be so so happy can't you see...
I only hope you want the same for me

I want to feel happy again like nothing is wrong
I want to dance and sing all those old school songs
How I wish I could remember how to me me
The me that I miss so much
The me that I used to be

I know that time heals all wounds
And that eventually I will be fine
But why can't I shake these feelings or get it off my mind

There is no going back
No second chance to give
You made your choice
And so did I

You live by the choices that you make
They define your life and make you who you are meant to be
So let it go
Fly away
Stop holding on to the past
There is a reason why you didn't make it to the present
And still a reason why your always in my heart....

another day gone...

I stay up late at night not to have time to think
But to become so exhausted and numb that thinking becomes impossible
All the thoughts I am afraid to think drift away in the exhaustion
I become completely numb and void
A shell of my former self
Able to forget about everything and just bleed a little more slowly

No thoughts of what had happened between us
No thoughts of what I lost
No remembrance of what we did or the joy that I felt
All emotion drained away for numbness to take it's place

Numb to seeing your face again or seeing those deep brown eyes
Numb to every touch you give me
Numb to every thought I have ever known

The night fades to dawn and as the sun rises higher into the sky
I look towards the horizon and let go of myself and I
Give up everything you loved about me
Everything that made you smile
Destroy the you that you loved
Destroy the girl I used to be

No more will she dawn the horizon of days to come
That girl is gone forever
You drove her away for good

The girl with the deep blue eyes
And the warm glowing smile that lights her face
Who loves life and just wants to be happy again
Where did she go and when will she return
No one knows and does anyone even care...

I stay up late at night letting myself go
Letting the emotions drain out of me and numbness take their place
Because maybe if I let myself slip far enough away the pain will slip away with it
And maybe just maybe then you will realize the mistake that you made...

me being me

I am slowly getting over my breakup with my boyfriend and I have found that writing when I am upset makes me feel a lot better and gets my mind off of it. So here is another thing that I wrote a couple days ago...

I know that I can be happy on my own
But why then do I feel like this...
Empty and forgotten
I feel completely worthless
I know things will never be the same
Then why do I want to go back to how they used to be

I need closure
I need some way to see
That I still mean to you as much as you still mean to me

Your smile still lights my darkest days
And your warm embrace chases all the bad things away

I know things will never be as they used to be
I guess I have to get over it
I know I made the right decision and made it right
Then why does it keep me up at night like this

Maybe I just need time to be me and get back on my feet again
Because I always know you will mean more to me than anyone else I know
And I know your not going anywhere
No matter how far away I decide to go...

Done....

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend and the day that I did it I ended up writing this piece and looking it over and realized that although my decision hurt more than anything in the world it was the right one....

I am done,
Done pretending nothings wrong
Done pretending to be happy with this,
Done smiling when I see you just to pretend to be happy

Done waiting for you to decide
Done missing what we had
Done hurting over this

I never thought you would do this to me
Never could imagine this happening again
I thought I made you happy enough to stay
But I guess I was wrong as always

I am done waiting for you to decide
Done pretending that what we have is worth it
Done hoping you'll change your mind
I am just done

This is your last chance your throwing it away
Once you break my heart again you won't get another chance
I thought you were worth it but I guess I was wrong

The pain is too much for me to handle anymore
And your too busy to see
What everything you have said and done
Has done to injure me

I guess this is my last farewell
Cause I am leaving
Turning around
And never looking back again....

its been a long time coming...

I never thought I would ever find someone who I wanted in my life so badly, so truly and so fully. I was never the popular or cool girl in high school and would have much rather spent time with my friends acting like idiots then having a boyfriend. Sure I had the occasional crush or something but was always too afraid to do anything about it or would find out that they already had someone. Then I met him and everything changed. I had finally met someone who liked me as much as I liked him. It made me feel so special and so perfect for once in the 20 years of my life. I never thought when I first met him that any of what has happened between us would have happened... but it did, and I don't regret any of it. I thought that things were fine and yes we had our on again off again relationship but this time I thought it was different, I see something in him that I have never seen in any boy before. I know that I want him in my life no matter what happens between us and I know that he will always love me no matter what happens. Why do I feel like this then, I trust him but why I do I feel like everything he has ever said to me is a lie.... I know how much he cares but why can't I see it? I want to wait for him to make his decision but I don't want to wait to have my heart broken again... I know that I can't go through that with him... I want him to be happy but I want to be with him... I guess you could say I have a lot on my mind and a lot to work through... I just don't know what to do anymore and am running out of ideas and steam...

I don't want to be here anymore... I guess I just want to be gone far away where I can't get hurt where no one can see me cry where I can't see him happy with someone else and where I can sit and let my pain take over once again.....