unsure

I dont know why I keep feeling like this... this pit at the bottom of my stomach just waiting for something bad to happen to take everything that I have that is happy and make it miserable again.... to send me deep into the abyss of my inner self... that place that I am so scared to go back to... that place that both of you sent me to.

I dont know why I cant let go, why the past keeps creeping up on me again and again... why cant I just be happy with what I have and not dwell on what I dont have or what I lost...

Can I ever be repaired or will I always be this damaged... will you be the one to put my broken pieces back together...

Different

sometimes I wish that things could be different. that getting hurt didnt wound me as much as it did. that getting hurt over and over didnt leave me so afraid to just let go and fall again....

I wish that things could be different but in the end they arent. I can wish as hard as I want to but none of it will ever change. Things happen for a reason and sometimes without your consent or control.

some things fall apart so that better things can fall together and the best things never end. they are always there inside your heart.

I will always remember my first love and how that made me feel. The first touch of lips against mine and the first time I saw his face. The first night we spent together and how much it meant to know that someone just generally cared.

You came into my life at my most lost and unsure time and helped me figure out who I was and at the same time who I wasnt. I will always love you no matter where I go and who I meet, you will always be a part of me.

my second love showed me that just because one person hurts you that all the rest will. I know that you hurt me just as much as he did and that you don't even know that you did but I still care about you and just want you to be happy.

I hope that someday it will be my turn to be happy and to feel love again... just someone prove to me that you're not all the same. that some good does exist in the shit hole that is our world...

sing like you think no one's listening

I look upon myself in a mirror and I am so unsure of what I see anymore. I am slipping farther and farther away and I dont know how to get back up again... I have lost all sense of who I used to be and what it means to be happy or myself anymore... I dont know why this keeps happening to me but I wish that everything would just go away.... I hate being here and I hate this constant stabbing pain that seems to overwhelm me everyday until I just break down and cry...

where is the light at the end of the tunnel.... where is the happiness after the sorrow... where is the happy ending that everyone else seems to have but seems to just skip by me...

where is everything, everyone, anything...

understand

you can not understand,
for you know not the saddness that I know overwhelming my heart.
you know not the tears that streak my cheeks
you know not the hurt that I know nor the lonliness nor the sadness
you know none of these things and how they make me feel,
you know not
you do not understand...

feelings lately....

"In life, it is far worse to regret the things you didn't do in comparison to the things you have done..."

this quote is especially important to me more so nowadays then it has been in a while. I am going through some changes in life and am unsure of who I am or what I am supposed to do anymore.

I am in the process of getting over Jason and I don't know if I still feel for him the same way that I used to. I look at him and how happy he is with Kat and I look at how happy Natalie and Jeff are and how happy Damian and Catie are and wonder where my happiness is...

And then I look at myself and wonder where my happy is?? and then I think if I find it will I be too afraid to let it in when it does find me? Will I be able to like someone again....

I felt this feeling before but I don't know why it feels different this time compared to all the other times in my life when I have felt this way... maybe I need a vacation or to just not be around people for a while... maybe I need a home. somewhere where I am surrounded by people who love and care about me and where I know that things won't change as much as they do in the real world... I need something stable and sturdy in my life that won't change as fast as everything else is changing...

I need to not be afraid of letting people like me and learn to like them back I guess... I don't even know what I want in a person anymore it seems... I can talk about it and think about it but then when someone comes along I get scared and freeze up and all these what if's go rushing through my head...

I like where I am at in life... I am afraid of it changing because that means it will never be the same as it is now and that scares me...

I guess I am afraid of myself and afraid of liking someone too much again for fear of getting hurt all over again...

and that is not something that can just be fixed.... that needs time and trust and friendship...

"please tell me that everything is alright" and I will fall asleep at night knowing that when I wake up in the morning nothing will have changed. you will always be there and everything will always be the same... no matter what

the truth

the truth is no matter how much you say it doesn't hurt
it always does

no matter how much you pretend to smile and be okay with it
it slowly tears you up inside

in the end things always hurt and the feelings never go away

you just have to learn to let them go and move on with your life
because you miss so many wonderful things when your sad
you miss out on life

randomness from my computer

Every time I look into your eyes
I fall for you all over again
Your smile lights my darkest of days
And makes the sun shine bright again

We have been through so much
And many hard times may be ahead
I know that I always want you by my side
And wouldn’t have it any other way

I am thankful everyday
For the day you were brought into my life
Through anger, tears and upset times
You have remained by my side no matter what

You are an amazing boyfriend in every way
And a best friend that I am so glad that I found
You know me better than I know myself sometimes
And I wouldn’t have that any other way

I love you more than you can ever imagine
And will love you no matter what ever happens in life
I always want you by my side through everything that happens
And know that I found someone amazingly special
The day that I found you